Temptation
by erinsgirl
Summary: The one thing she valued most, what she cherished above all else in the world, what she feared A had taken from her, had only ever been lost by her own careless actions.


**WARNING Confession/ Rant: I haven't seen all of 5B. I've read reviews though so I'm aware of what I've missed and everything I've seen/ read isn't encouraging me to fill in the gaps. (I only started watching post S4-finale. Less than a year later I'd celebrate if it was cancelled tomorrow. Not good writers.)**

**I'm devastated at Spencer cheating/ general arc this season. But it's only recently I figured out why I'm so angry. It makes no god-damn sense! Spencer's self-destructive and she's capable of using someone's feelings for her to her own advantage. When she was flirting with Andrew for pills or sweet-talking Wren for her own purposes I could believe it. I didn't like it but I believed it. It's part of Spencer's character. But I can't see any reason why she'd have any use or interest for Johnny/ Colin particularly since she's got virtually no connection to either of them Colin, especially. I know Spencer's supposed to be having some sort of crisis at the moment but the writers have failed to give any sense of justification or understanding of anything getting her to this point. At best it's her bratty tendencies, at worst it's OOC.**

**And it's the same across the board. None of the plots make any real sense or impact. Aria suddenly regrets Ezra and can't get into college, despite her dad being shown to have some very impressive pull at Hollis and other schools? Emily who has had several half-season plots involving her desperation to get into a college suddenly has zero interest? Hanna who's the only one of the 4 with any kind of storyline that seems to have a resounding impact on the overall show is suddenly a genius? I agree Hanna's not as dumb blonde as she's sometimes written and she often has a simple wisdom about her but I can't believe she can out-SAT Mona or Spencer when she can't even spell SAT.**

**(I also have trouble believing Mona got into colleges over Spencer. Sure a 3-day rehab stint for study pills and a week-long stay in a mental health facility brought on by shock, stress, exposure and trauma aren't ideal but it's better than a 5-month involuntary committal due to the fact your hobbies include blackmail, stalking, kidnapping and attempted murder.)**

**I'm also pissed that they're insinuating Toby's the bad guy when a lot of his scenes mostly boil down to telling his friends to stop getting caught doing illegal things. Seriously it's one thing to try to foil a potential A-trap but Spencer should know better than to B&amp;E a gallery for no justifiable reason especially since she realizes exactly how careful she needs to be in the previous ep.**

**Caleb's the only love interest getting any sort of decent writing and that's because the writers are trying to make up for the fact that he dumped Hanna for a ghost and then showed up whining about how no one could understand what it's like being stalked by a malignant, unknown enemy that's trying to kill you or what it's like being a murder suspect for 2 hours.**

**What's really annoying is the fact that the cheating comes out of nowhere. Colin especially had been around for a day. S4 was basically one long Spoby fight and never once did Spencer act like she was (genuinely) attracted to anyone else or ever cross a line. In fact she has always maintained a loyalty to Toby even when they're going through problems. She even defends Toby and calls him honorable just a couple of eps before the Johnny thing. **

**It isn't in Spoby's relationship dynamic to kiss others unless they are officially off. And cheating has always been treated as the one taboo between them. Spencer even uses this to keep Toby away in 2x17 because she knows just how much of a betrayal it would be.**

**Basically the whole thing feels like a forced plot point because the writers can't think of anything else and unless it turns out to a crazy plot to trap A I have a hard time believing there's a way to salvage things no matter how epic 5x24 is.**

**So as a way of expressing my anger and frustration (that doesn't involve breaking something) I've written the little story below. It's also a sort of goodbye to the fandom because I doubt the rest of the season will be enough to make me stay. So don't surprised if you don't see me around. It's been a pleasure knowing you all.**

**And to my fellow Irishmen and women, I wish you all a (early) Happy Paddy's Day!**

* * *

Dawn hadn't broken yet and the rainstorm from earlier hadn't completely eased but Spencer barely noticed. The turbulent weather reflected the chaos she carried in herself and it wasn't like she'd slept recently.

The large wooden door loomed in front of her. She was as familiar with it as she was her own threshold. Usually it made her smile or at least relieved. The door meant sanctuary and love. Once it had represented true pain and utter devastation, but never before had it elicited such trepidation from her.

She raised her hand hesitantly before tapping into her Hastings determination and knocking before she could chicken out.

The door opened quicker than she expected and she was momentarily jarred from her thoughts. She wouldn't have been surprised if he slammed the door in her face but that wasn't who he was no matter how furious he was at her.

"Hi." The words are sticking in the back of her throat and it's all she can do to force them out. "I owe you an apology. At the least you deserve an explanation. Can I please come in?"

Toby stepped back to let her enter and Spencer didn't miss the way he averted his eyes. He couldn't even look at her! She felt her stomach roll at the realization even though she'd thrown up everything in it hours ago.

She wrapped her arms around herself, needing some comfort. She couldn't take it from him. Not this time.

It had just spilled out. They'd been talking or arguing or something – her mind was hazy instead of its usual clarity on that – and before she'd realized it the words were spoken. Johnny, London, all of her grievous misdeeds of the last few weeks had flown from her lips.

The look on his face.

While the moments before were fuzzy, the image of the pain on Toby's face at the revelation was seared into her memory clear as glass. And for once Spencer had been the one to flee.

That had been what could technically be referred to as last night. She'd spent the intervening hours locked in her bathroom, sobbing her eyes out until she physically had no more tears to cry and emptying whatever meals she'd recently ingested into the toilet bowl. Whether it was her stubbornness or because she just couldn't stop herself from torturing both of them she'd managed to propel herself back onto his stoop.

She doesn't know why. She's not expecting forgiveness, but she needs to explain, to talk, to do something.

"I was half expecting no one to be here," she confesses quietly.

"The thought crossed my mind once or twice," he admits.

It's a cliché saying but the silence is deafening. Toby is focusing on everything but her, staying by the door, something he never would have done before. It's an evaluation on just how much damage she has done. And Spencer can't figure out why she's only comprehending the impact now.

"Was it because you wanted…" She can hear the break in his voice and it slices her already shredded heart. She hasn't been the only one reduced to tears. "Did you think maybe I had done something…?"

"No!" Spencer can't even hear the rest of the sentence, the idea is so unthinkable. She's momentarily reminded of a night with the girls. Alison, recently returned to Rosewood, made a crack about Toby's then-job out of town, implying that he was seeing other girls. Spencer, outraged by the attack on her boyfriend's character had been rendered temporarily speechless. It was Hanna who had jumped to his defense, complete with a scathing eye roll at the implication. _"Please this is Toby we're talking about. You could trap him in the backstage dressing room of a Victoria's Secret show and he still wouldn't notice anyone who wasn't Spencer."_

She'd known the validity of that testimony herself every day. But the same claim could no longer be made about her and the thought was heart-breaking.

"Did you do it you hurt me?"

"NO!" The potential motive is even more painful than the first. Once again Spencer is thrown back to the past. Over a year before in fact. She remembers now twisting specifics and enlisting others to tarnish herself in the eyes of the one person who had ever actually thought her good. She had wept all that night too.

Then it had been a deliberate fabrication, a ploy to keep him safe. And she had been endlessly grateful to learn that he had realized her ruse. But this time it is truth and she can't claim noble intentions. Then had been shattering. Now it is beyond that.

"Then **why?"**

"I don't know." And that is essentially the worst part. Spencer's used to having answers and if she doesn't know them, she finds them. But she's stumped. She can't explain any of it to herself and certainly not to the man in front of her.

"You never do anything without a reason." They're almost exactly the same words he said to her that day on his porch so long ago, when the possibly of being framed for murder was still fresh. It's strange that those could be considered simple times and she would give everything to go back to it.

But as quickly as the tinge of affection comes it passes and the frustration brings anger. "Well this time I didn't have a reason," she snaps. "I didn't have a motive, or a plan or an excuse and I sure as hell don't have a justification.

"I didn't do it to hurt you," she whispers softly. She doesn't have a right to be angry on this. She's hurt him enough already. "It didn't happen because I stopped loving you or because I wanted them. I never want anyone but you. It was never about them."

"That doesn't help."

"I know." She has to fight back tears again. She could have confessed to massacring half of Rosewood and he probably still would have looked at her the same way he always did. Love, trust, faith. Like she was the most incredible person in the world simply because she was, not because of who she was or what she did.

And now the one person who had believed in her above all else, who had defended her, shielded her and caught her at her worst and still thought she was the strongest, bravest and smartest person he had ever met, now considered her a stranger.

Dizziness hit and Spencer sank to the couch as the full reality of the situation and the consequences hit her. A would never have to touch her again.

The one thing she valued most, what she cherished above all else in the world, what she feared A had taken from her, had only ever been lost by her own careless actions.

* * *

The whistling kettle is the only sound to be heard in the loft, its occupants having fallen silent long ago. Toby's grateful for the distraction the act of making tea creates. He needs the distance to clear his head. Even if it is just the far side of the kitchen.

Spencer's still on the couch and even from behind he can tell she's upset. Her body language is dripping with pain. He wants to comfort her. The instinct is as natural as breathing but he can't. He can't hold her and promise her they'll be OK because he can't. He's not sure he'll ever be able to look at her, or hug her or kiss her like the way they both want him to.

Toby's not stupid. He knows that Spencer attracts her fair share of admirers. He knows many of them have likely flirted with her. Hell a couple had actively hit on her right in front of him. But he hadn't for a second thought Spencer would ever reciprocate the attention.

Of all the things he worried about when it came to her, the lying, the fights, the near-death encounters, the reckless decisions, the ever-present ominous stalker, the pressure from her friends and family, infidelity never crossed his mind.

Someone might think that given their history a couple of kisses was nothing compared to all the other challenges they faced and yet this seemed like the only one truly insurmountable.

And it hurt. More than Toby had ever imagined. It wasn't just that some guys had touched her, had kissed her, although that was torturous enough that Toby wanted to cause himself severe physical pain to drown out the images. Not that that would be enough. Breaking bones was a delight compared to this.

What hurt most was that she let them and it felt like a betrayal. He knows things haven't been great between them lately. And he knows that he's guilty of keeping his distance, seemingly putting his new job before the friends that have been there for him. He knows they've accused him of it.

But he's been doing it to protect her and he honestly thought she knew that.

Alison taking the fall for Mona may have gotten Spencer a temporary reprieve but Hanna and Caleb landed them all back on Tanner's suspect list with their stunt at the storage locker. The veteran detective is probably the one competent cop in Rosewood – even if her theories are flawed – and she knows if Hanna's involved then so are the other girls. And she knows exactly how they could be getting information.

It's why she's kept him so close.

Toby warned them as much as he could but they wouldn't listen. He's tried to build the doubt in Tanner's mind, though she's astute to see the possible bias at play. He's tipped off Veronica as quick as he could when he realized the girls were in-line to join Alison.

As difficult as it has all been, as often as they've found themselves on different sides, he had believed that she knew she could trust his intentions.

It hurt the most that she had lost faith in them, in him, when he's done everything possible to prove otherwise to her.

He takes a moment as the tea seeps, takes a breath and buries the anger and the pain and the grief below the surface.

Spencer doesn't react when he places her tea on the coffee table in front of her. She's staring ahead at the wall, lost in her thoughts.

For once Toby doesn't try to pull her back. He just can't summon the energy.

"I think it was because I didn't have a reason."

Toby starts at Spencer's sudden statement. She's still staring unblinking at the wall. Her tone is low and almost robotic.

"I don't have anything really any more. Everything I've thought about Alison or Mona or A was wrong. Every move I make turns out to be a mistake. I don't recognize my life anymore. I don't recognize _**me**_. Johnny came to Rosewood," Toby grits his jaw and shoves his fist into the chair cushion underneath him at the name, "and he seemed to have Rosewood just instantly figured out and _it_ _didn't bother him at all._ And I thought maybe I could do that. If I didn't care about the consequences, if I didn't think about every possible scenario, then maybe none of it would bother me either.

"And then I went to London, and for one day, one day, it was good. Melissa and I were actually getting along. I was having fun. For one day I was a normal teenager. It felt like maybe I'd actually escaped."

"Escaped everything from Rosewood, you mean."

Spencer looks at him then, her eyes glisten with unshed tears, but they flow from her voice anyway. "I'm tired Toby. I'm tired of all of it, A, Alison, Mona, us fighting, school, my family. It feels like I'm losing me. We could stop A tomorrow and I honestly don't know if there's enough left of me to care. I feel like I've been broken and put back together so many times and had so many parts taken away that there's nothing left to save."

He moves closer at that. He knows it's true. He's seen her fall apart and put herself back together so many times he can't not be empathetic.

"You can't give up hope Spencer. A wins the second you do."

She lets out a humorless laugh at that. "Then I guess A won long ago because I've never been good with hope." Her tone softens. "I am so sorry for everything I've put you through."

She's sobbing again and Toby hands her the tea. Experience has told him that the act of drinking the hot beverage if not the actual hot beverage helps calm her down.

They both freeze as his fingers brush hers.

"You're never going to be able to forgive me are you?"

He sighs. "Forgiveness isn't the problem Spence." He knows he can forgive her for hurting him because she is so badly hurt herself. But there is more than just the act of forgiveness at play here.

Spencer of course picks up on what he's saying. "You just don't know if you can ever trust me again." Her voice is resigned but not angry. She had expected it. "I don't know what to do."

She's lost and he's hurt. She completely understands him leaving but he can't bring himself to abandon her fully to the darkness trying to devour her.

He cautiously takes her hand. "I don't know either. I guess we have to figure that out."


End file.
